the internet's function is to connect people, right? or, at least, that's what its initial, oncorrupted intention was. or maybe, even that intention, to connect people is inherintly corrupt: down to its very core. i don't know. i'm no philosopher. but i do know that what's going on right now far surpasses what anyone could have ever expected: not tim berners-lee who invented the worldwideweb, not mark zuckerberg with his creepy book of faces, and not elon musk with his concentric circles of corporate buyouts. the internet works too well: everyone is connected, and nobody is connected in the right ways. search engine optimization has made the internet a decaying wasteland for companies to fight over: filling sponsor spots with AI slop, fascistic propoganda, and scam ads. the major walled gardens have taken away any idea of personalization: of making the web your own. google your internet name right now: for me, it's pretty tame and untainted, but even that feels too much to me: my defunct book rating account is on the front page? why? because the company knows best? what to push when, how to weasel ads into every little empty air pocket: there is no escape from this.

or maybe there is? i've been reading a lot about the fediverse, personal websites, and other things of that nature recently, and so i decided to try my hand at having the website, mainly for the purpose of being a little art gallery of music and eventually other things i can take with me: i've loved exploring around rings on neocities for a while, and with my 2026 resolution to not doomscroll (which means stay away from every social media except bsky, since they haven't quite figured out how to make an addictive algorithm yet), i've loved exploring pretty websites as an alternative. it just feels so much more real and tangible. i've been crawling through the remains of old trans communities on geocities too, and what i've found just kind of depresses me, so i won't talk about it here. but something that shines through all of this, transphobia, homophobia, self-sexualization, sexualization of others, misogyny, racism, ableism, hatefulness, and fascism, is this underpinning of creativity, of genuine love for creation.

i'm still in school right now, but eventually, i will be working a job: i will wake up in the morning to go to work, and go home again in the afternoon: that's an undeniable fact of life. and i'm not that scared of it anymore: i feel equipped to go out into the world and be an Adult, soon enough. but the one thing that truly scares me is the sap of creativity, just these aching vines that bind to your legs and bloodlet you, suckling out any ounce of love, any ounce of hope. every night, i get emails from different news outlets telling me war is coming. war is coming. war is coming. and it gets to you, it really does. for all intents and purposes, i'm the healthiest and happiest i've been in years. why is everything still so scary?

these algorithms have all been deliberately crafted to surgically extract the most time and money from us as they possibly can. but i believe in boycotts, grassroots protests, and mindless optimism: i will not become a husk of a person! sometimes i feel thankful that God made me trans. before i learned that about myself, when i was seven years old, i was on track to become this conservative charicature: i was set up to have a future as a wunderkind: a child prodigy. and that's not really an exxageration. i can see so many clear paths from where i was then to working at a startup in silicon valley, california, a husk fo a person spouting conservative ideologies and never coming to terms with the glow of the TV until it's too late and i killed myself. so, there is hope. or at least some kind of it. maybe it won't be in religion for you: maybe it won't be on the web for you either. but there is something for you, there's something for everyone. even if it's not true, it always does you well to believe that there's something on the other side of this.

when the bombs fall and the world is over, or when the planet burns and the world is over, or when the endtimes come and the world is over, or when the machines learn too much and the world is over, there will always be a new Thing that arises, or at least that's what i believe. there will always be someone to sit and make something: whether that's with sticks and string or $8,000 recording equipment: whether it's with mulberry paint or the world's finest watercolours. and if not humanity, something else. the beauty of art and the beauty of life is uneclipsable.

so one day, when i move out of this town, i'll be ready. i'll still be making music, or at least some kind of art. i'll look different, hopefully for the better. and i will enter the world, and you will too. or maybe you already have. this whole feeling of 'rebirth,' of 'moving away,' despite feeling like esoteric woo-woo, will happen eventually. there's always something on the other side of a door. even if that door is death. and maybe that something will be a Nothing. i'd hope that it's not, and i believe that it's not. but even that we can learn to be ready for.